I had this dream last night (Nov.2, 2006), where I was in a boat... and then the part of the boat where we were on started to capsize so we had to go to the front of the boat where there was this gorgeous guy who helped us through the window into the front. Seems like he was a passenger too. Anyway, there we were and my friend (forgot who) and we chatted him up for a bit. He was remarkably funny and charming, sort of like Logan from Veronica Mars. Haha! There’s a reference to that show again. Anyway, he was really cute so despite the fact I was already practically attached (to someone who looked like Mikee of PBB Teens of all people! Weird! I don’t even like the guy!) I still liked him and was all flirty and charming right back.

We end up at the French Baker restaurant in Ortigas (if there is such a place) and I’m there with two friends. Unexpectedly we run into the Boat Guy and he gets this call on his cell. For some weird reason he doesn’t want anyone seeing him (is he a spy? Or a detective?) so he uses me as a shield, he asks me to hug him! Oh my! And in front of my two friends I do. And not just that, we are in the middle of the street with throngs of people passing by… Our hug lasts for a good while, maybe 5 minutes since I even remember looking into French Baker and noting there was hot and cold water served for coffee perhaps. Hehehe! It really felt good to be in his arms and he was of a nice height, we were perfect for each other… My arms were around his neck. He was chatting up a storm on his cell, like he didn’t really feel the need to hang up. And I didn’t really want to stop the embrace, you know. I was about to say “You should at least buy me dinner for the trouble” when I woke up. What a lovely dream! Totally PG rated, you understand, but totally romantic, toe-curling-I-could-just-melt insanely lovely dream of this guy… I know I’m going to have this someday and I don’t want to force myself to like just any guy. A lot of men are needy and looking for love too and while I would want to be less needy together, face it, I’ve come this far. Two and some months before my 27th birthday and I get a dream like this! I know this is my sub-conscious telling me to “yes, get a move on, you’re not getting any younger. Don’t fool yourself, you know you want to be in a relationship.” But at the same time, I think it’s telling me I can be with an okay guy or I can hold out for that someone who makes my heart sing and makes me want to hug him even in the middle of a crowd during rush hour in Ortigas. And isn’t this what every girl REALLY wants?

Sorry (particularly Vince bec. he even complained) for not updating. Law school has taken over my life, so much so that I do not have much time for updates, writing and whatnot. Therefore, I am plugging my other blog as well: http://eleanoragnes.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/ in the off chance that I may be able to manage it better than this one.

Sem Break Musings

The sem has ended and I do not want to see my grades. I am afraid of what’ll happen if it be not even a 3.0 despite all the long hours I’ve put in. To show how pathetic I am romantically, when I got a low grade at our Midterms I truly felt disappointed, that despite all the effort I made studying, it ended up as if I didn’t do anything at all. For the first time in my young life I was heartbroken. More than any rejection or gradual alienation I felt from crushes I have had in the past this hurt me the most. Knowing law school I haven’t seen the last of this emotion… I know that I will need the support of my blockmates and friends through these tough times. Nothing in my past has truly prepared me for the rigors of law school. Here every professor expects so much from you, everything you learn has to be remembered and it is important you do or there will be major consequences, you have to be on time all the time and have humility and confidence at the same time when interacting with the professors. Here I learned too late how easy my undergrad was and how I could have breezed through it with half the effort I exerted this sem. This is the first time I truly studied… when I turned into a nerd even without my consent because I have to be bookish to survive. No one can fake or bullshit their way through law school. Though we have the means to make do, I agree that digests aren’t enough, sticking to the course outline still wasn’t going to cut it. Reading in advance, research and getting more information than required: these are what could help you the most. Listening to the teachers are just half of it, you have to do the other half by yourself and this was a totally alien concept with me, being from the College of Mass Communication and the field of customer service where basically everything could be breezed through with sheer bravado.

Faking it. Exactly what I have been doing all these years until now. I am terrified at my need for adaption after 24 years. Maybe law school is the wake up call long past due to me and my blockmates. Things aren’t as easy as getting into UP, getting a high paying job you don’t even like, reconsidering and getting into law school instead to leech off your parents some more… Well, it may not help that I have almost always gotten what I wanted out of life. When I was kid I planned to get into this high school and after go to UP then enter law school. More or less it was a straight path towards where I am now, although there were a few years of working for the heck of it and for the money until I couldn’t stand it anymore. That’s when I thought to myself what I wanted out of life. If I didn’t get into law school, I was probably going to get promoted and get stuck in the call center industry since this was all I knew. I tried applying to other companies but then it was daunting to start at the bottom and there weren’t too many jobs to go around, considering the state of the economy.

Law is a practical choice and a continuing passion when I think of it… My grandfather was a lawyer and though I didn’t get to know him that well, several years after he died I can still see how much people respected him and still remembered his kindness to them as a fiscal of our province. Although I don’t think I will become a fiscal, I would want to follow in his footsteps and make him proud by generally getting into the same profession, which incidentally my father considering getting into as well. Maybe he didn’t because he had to raise us? I guess this is also for him. Having a lawyer as a daughter extends extra bragging rights as is human nature, right? Becoming a lawyer, most of all, is for me. I really wanted to make something of my life, to never stop learning as I loved to study, read up on philosophy, political science and current events, and also to do something that was important to me and to society. I had grown tired of molly-coddling Australians and Americans over the phone regarding their complaints that when looked, weren’t really that cataclysmic or “worth the drama” but treated as if they were. So here I am, seven semesters and one Bar exam to go before I can go to the phase of real lawyering. Law school for me was a way of escaping the banality of life, to finally seek what I really wanted in the deepest part of my heart. It’s good to be reminded of one’s dreams from time to time. It makes it easier for me to picture hurdling the odds and actually graduating from the college. This is even if it means facing the truth that “you do not always sow what you reap”. Being in law school means taking a leap of faith and believing you are worth the good grade. For now grades matter since I am back in school. I can’t wait for that time when I can look beyond that, and just truly be happy that I learned.

Kissing, Sex, Love and Everything…


It’s amazing how much people put too much premium in a kiss. It made Sleeping Beauty wake up from a hundred-year sleep, broke the evil curse that was cast on the Frog Prince and restored him to full human-ness, made Snow White come back to life.. . Honestly, that’s a lot of fuss for skin on skin! Hmmm. Must be the pheromones we give out, although every living creature gives out chemicals and they don’t have to kiss…

Not that I’d know what the fuss was all about. You see, just like Drew Barrymore in that movie, at 24, I have never been kissed. Should this be a cause of shame, envy, ridicule, pride, celebration, depression? Take your pick. I’m not so sure myself. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not expecting my first kiss to be spectacular, complete with fireworks and such. I know that with all the hype I get from media and my own frenzied imagination that it could possible never live up to what I picture it to be. Somehow I just sometimes wish I could freaking get it over with. After the first it should all be blasé. Gawd. Hope I never think this with sex. I am against pre-marital sex, have I mentioned that before? Well, so there. Being single is hard enough without being prepared for children and suddenly finding out you’ll be raising a kid alone in like, 7 months! In some cases you might even be forced into marriage even if you aren’t ready for it. I’m not condemning anyone but I think that beyond expressing love and whatever contraceptives you use to prevent conception, sex should be respected as something only done within marriage. If you call yourself a Catholic then you should find out why it’s part the Church’s teachings and try to live it out and not just be a Cafeteria Catholic, going into devotee mode only when it suits you. It is not just because I choose to blindly follow in what the nuns at Catholic school taught me, I do believe there is logic behind wanting to be chaste before marriage and if that makes me an old-fashioned prude I don’t care. I am liberal about most things but I don’t think I will be in that aspect. That’s me, mind you. I accept it if other people do or think otherwise.

I also believe it would be easier on the relationship if you get to know each other without the complication of raging hormones. A guy friend mentioned that he lost his virginity to a friend of his, blaming it all to lust. Sheesh. How convenient for him. *rolleyes * Ewan ko ba, bakit ganun ang guys… mahirap na talaga makakita ng guy na virgin and proud of it. Ako proud ako na virgin ako in all aspects, ewan ko na lang sa never been kissed thing pero natural naman yun kasi NBSB ako. I dunno why it has to be such a taboo thing or a cause for sniggers in a guy’s case. Sa tingin ko, yung guy friend ko na yun nakipag-sex na din dahil sa peer pressure. To a girl hindi big deal na virgin pero sa iba, normal na din yung sleeping with their boyfriend. Dahil kasi liberated na karamihan sa mga tao. They want “express love”. Impatient sila kaya kahit na ilang weeks pa lang kilala, mag-on na. Being in a relationship entails intimacy, not just physical, but emotional and better yet, spiritual. How I wish God’s Perfect Choice would be as committed to that as I am. I don’t know that many guys since I don’t really date out but I hope I get to meet him one of these days, perhaps through a fantastic incident? Hehe! Lumalabas pagka-hopeless romantic ko.

Anyways, I want to fall in love with the right guy. I believe just as they mentioned in “Winter Sonata”, when you fall in love there is no reason. You just know you are in love just like you know there is a God. Mostly we could attribute this to plain faith and just shrug it off to one of those personal things you cannot fully articulate but know with your whole being is the right thing. I do hope when I get kissed it would be by someone I have affection for and not just because it is the thing to do after a date. And while we’re on the topic, more embarrassing is the fact that I have never been on a romantic date before. :p Am I the biggest loser/geek/freak on Earth or what? It just never comes up. We never had high school dances or the Prom when I was in high school and in college, well, I never did find anyone I can say was worth asking out. As if ako pa dapat mag-ask di ba! Ewan, I admit I intimidate guys and I have a problem with relating to the opposite sex on a personal/romantic level. In front of a guy I like I just freeze up and my brain turns to mush! That’s why I love going online. Andami kong hirit at comments pero in front of people I don’t know too well I clam up. Although if I really want to solve my relationship crisis, I could go on blind dates, right? And any one of my friends could set me up, really. I have friends, real ones, not imaginary. Hehehe! Maybe it’s time I do get out. I am of marrying age. I’m really glad my parents don’t set me up with the sons of their friends, that would be soo humiliating! Somehow they think I am doomed to spinsterhood like my aunts and have no other interest than books, TV and studying. Not really. If they knew me well enough they’d know I have high expectations that I don’t entirely believe can be all met. Again, in my defense, I am waiting for that “Love when I see it” moment. That’s why I believe in love at first sight. Technically I don’t think it is love but a prelude to it: intense interest or attraction that is inexplicable but is there inspite of the fact that he’s a stranger. And ideally, the more you get to know him the more you like him. I hate getting annoyed or bored! I have a short attention span and the guy for me would have to be all-out wonderful to sustain my interest for a lifetime. Maybe it is impossible to ask for but if I do settle for anything less than that I know I won’t really be happy. That’s what comforts me. Instead of making do I am holding out for the best and with that I am content.

“I think I’m turning Japanese, Chinese, Korean…”

It’s a natural progression... liking anime then taking the leap into going for movies from our neighboring Asian countries. Or so I tell myself. After all, I don’t see too many guys who like Meteor Garden though they like Gundam Wing. Hehe. Well, I never did try to justify myself too much. I do something because it’s worth doing and that definitely extends to jumping to the chinovela bandwagon and liking Korean and Taiwanese pop. I’ve always liked listening to anime themes and J-pop stars like Ayumi Hamasaki so liking music with lyrics I don’t understand but a melody that I could hum to wasn’t too much of an effort for me. So far, I watch Taiwanese soaps like “Meteor Garden”, “Poor Prince”, “Lavender” and Koreans soaps like “My Love Cindy”, “Secretly in Love” and “Endless Love”. The one thing I noticed is that they all have simple yet intriguing stories and the cinematography, scoring and acting are pretty good that even I, who one could consider as media literate since I am a Mass Comm. Graduate, can’t complain. Every episode is worth watching because it contains important points essential to the story and character development.

What is a chinovela? Simply put, it’s a drama series from Taiwan or South Korea. Well, so far it is. Maybe soon it’ll start coming from Singapore, Japan and the like. Come to think of it, why couldn’t we get drama series from other non-Chinese looking peopled countries like Thailand, Burma or Indonesia? Or even India! And why haven’t Bollywood movies gotten much support from Filipinos? Maybe it’s because of our colonial mentality. It’s a wonder that it has taken this long for Japanese horror films and Hong Kong action films like “Hero” to be shown commercially in our country considering Kris Aquino starred in “Happy Ghost” way back when I was in grade school and Cynthia Luster already made a movie with Vic Sotto and Lito Lapid. I mean, we should be part of the Hong Kong movie loop by now. Instead of hoping for that big Hollywood break for our local artists like Billy Crawford, G Toengi and who else why couldn’t we all just have learned Cantonese and plotted to take over the world thru the silver screen? Maybe it’s because we already know how to speak English? Duh. There I’ve answered my own question. Hehe. But it’s worth thinking isn’t it? Not too late to do something about it, future film directors who are reading this! Films from Hong Kong, Japan and even South Korea are the ones Hollywood are trying to rip off… Case in point, “Ringu” and “The Eye” from Japan, “My Wife is a Gangster” and “My Sassy Girl” from Korea. The stories are simple yet very effective, proof that Hollywood doesn’t have the premium on good movies. I very much think that Filipinos could also and have done as good. It’s all a matter of distribution and making the films ready for the international market. And of making more films of good quality with original and memorable stories, disregarding formula and the so-called “masa” penchance for melodrama, slapstick and skin flicks. It’s not a bad thing but then it does get tired after all. If only audiences were presented with alternatives then perhaps it would grow on them. At least I hope so. Maybe it’s my optimism and naivete showing through.

The whole point is taking a cue from our Asian neighbors. The huge Meteor Garden craze in the Philippines is actually a source of inspiration since that much fervor wasn’t sparked by A1 or N’Sync, it was by a group of Taiwanese boys who could pass for Filipinos and who sang songs in Mandarin, a treat for the Tsinoy community. Tsinoy or not, it was amazing how everyone knew the lyrics to “Qing Fei Di Yi”, more popularly known as the Meteor Garden Opening Song which I chalk that up to great memorization skills. But then it is a step to the right direction. Asian TV and movies are now coming into the fore in our country and that is a good thing because it means we are growing past looking at Americans as role models and have actually welcomed Asians like ourselves, who I think are as talented as their Western counterparts and who deserve the attention. Even though we don’t understand what they are singing about, the sentiment is there and music is universal, we can feel the meaning even without the lyrics, really. If you insist on it, you could always look up what the lyrics mean over the Internet, can’t you?

My interest in Asian TV has even extended to cable channels like Arirang and WINS. I just love watching Ellen Fujiwara, I think, on Channel 56 go around Japan, showing the sights and tasting the food, all while converting how much it all costs “sa pera natin”. Do you know that crispy pata in some Filipino restaurant costs around P1,000.00 an order? Shocking! But then that’s how much food costs in Japan, she explained. You know how hosts always eat food and pretend it tastes good even though it doesn’t? Hehehe. Television is so amusing. I think WINS also has a Japanese counterpart for Ellen, that Filipina who now lives in Japan. The TV host also goes around the Philippines explaining how much things cost to viewers back home. I love watching Arirang mainly because of “The Contenders” and “New Nonstop”. The former is a game show like Jeopardy done entirely in English and I must say that I admire the hostess for her accent and diction… every opinion she makes sounds so educated partly because of her modulation. Idol talaga! Hehehe! She’s also so pretty and polished. I don’t know her name, sorry. You would just have to catch an episode of “The Contenders” to see her. “New Nonstop” is a sit-com about life in a college dorm. The stories every week are light but you can also count on learning a thing or two about friendship, love and everything in between. I definitely think that these TV shows are must-sees. Who knows? You might even like them more than I do.

(Going Through A Quarter Life Crisis was posted on www.peyups.com on Thursday, May 15, 2003 @ 12:30:20 PM )

It’s 5 PM and I am going off to work in a couple of hours. To something I promised myself I would leave as soon as possible and now it’s funny I’m still working there after all my declarations that I would rather be unemployed than stay at a job I hated. Other friends have made the move before me. You see, I made a deal with myself the start of the year that I was going to endure this kind of work for until May, at the very least till April 17th, the end of my VL. I guess I should be grateful that I have a job when so many out there are still looking. I try to convince myself that I am blessed I earn a good enough salary considering I just graduated last year. As someone I talked to last time online said, for a first job it isn’t too bad. I suppose one flaw I have is that I can’t get over how salary could possibly compensate for what I have come to realize as true torture: helping ungrateful Americans with whatever programming, billing, technical problem they get with the service we provide.
Considering I graduated with a degree in Broadcast Communication, I wonder why I did end up with this job. Here I am, writing on the same computer I used to make my thesis on whilst listening to anime mp3s, and I wonder how on this past year events have led me up to this… writing an article on how much I miss college and how much I miss dreaming about what I would be when I graduated. Because face it, I have graduated and I have the whole world at my feet. I can be anything I want to be. Problem is, what do I want? How does anyone really know?

I remember that I’ve been going on about my career dilemma even on my past article… it just doesn’t seem right to be whining when so many would love to be in my shoes, is it? I don’t know what I’m complaining about, really. Probably my lack of direction or initiative. I cannot say I am satisfied with my career life. (Hmm, does the lack of a love life have anything to do about it?) Have any of you felt that the future was an empty void? The uncertainty of it all excites me and frightens me at the same time. Will I finally convince myself to settle down with one particular job? There seems to be something wrong with wanting to either be a lawyer, a journalist, a writer, a TV producer/director, an actress and an office clerk every now and then. Can I really have everything? I think I have convinced myself that I could be everything all at once and that is an idea doomed to fail and disappoint me. Compared to my best friend’s seemingly continuous string of problems I suppose I can be considered as being petty, making a mountain out of a molehill... if you think so too, stop reading this article. (Hehe. Joking. Just bear with me, I’m about to wrap up.) I have come to the obvious conclusion that perhaps it isn’t just me. Heck, I hear these kinds of stories all the time. People in their 20’s have this issue with “the real world”, meaning being thrust out into the cold, hard world, earning a living long before they actually want to. We are conditioned we want to by society, that we have to do something for pay until retirement at 60. Anyway, who in their right mind would want to go out of bed like me late at night to work until the early hours of the morning like a vampire/wind-up doll? It all boils down to salary, compensation, the medical and dental benefits… Deep in our hearts, do we really need to do this? Unless we’re the breadwinners in our family, (isn’t it obvious I’m not and I’m just milking my family for support even while I’m earning money) what is the point in all of this? Don’t get me wrong. I like getting my salary, being able to buy stuff without asking my parents for the money. Up to now I feel like it’s Christmas when I get my pay slip two times in a month. I like having officemates I get along fine with. I like not having to sit at home, watching hour after hour of TV while my brain slowly rots… Have I answered my own question? In my thinking, yes, to some extent, but not satisfactorily enough. There has to be a deeper reason why anyone would bother sticking to this job but since you can’t read minds then I guess I still have countless hours of self-reflection to go.

One of life’s greatest questions is: what is the meaning of our existence? At one point in our life we stop to wonder if what you’re doing is in line with what Fate has planned out for you. I always thought it was going to be more grandiose, more interesting… Maybe Fate can’t do anything if we ourselves impose what we don’t want to on ourselves. Funny how when you think about it, you really can’t blame anyone but yourself if you are suffering, because it was your choices that have led you here. As I have told others before, we all have free will. There’s no such thing as a decision you had no choice but to make. No one can force you if you really don’t want to, except, probably at gunpoint. Even more funny is the fact that I can leave whenever I want to really, but I’m just all talk. I won’t leave my job until something good comes along. Well, at least until May or April, that is. At the back of my mind I still feel something big is going to happen, that there must be something more to being 23 and being a UP graduate. So much time, so much opportunity but I can’t channel it to anything I’m really sure of. That’s it. I don’t have a game plan; I don’t know where I want to go to. I’m torn between rejoicing in that realization and tearing my hair out in frustration. I’m happy because I already know the root of my problem and frustrated that I am nowhere near an answer. Chalk it up to quarter life crisis, I guess… if there is such a thing. It’s that First Job Syndrome, where you’re just itching to resign and move on to the next job you may want to grow roots at… Whatever the case, I should stop talking and start doing. That, or I may well get stuck here for the next 10 years and then I won’t have youth to blame on but myself.

(Life Is Too Short to Waste Employed was posted on www.peyups.com on Thursday, September 05, 2002 @ 11:51:59 AM )


In truth, I actually miss the liberation and irresponsibility that comes with being a bum; all you really have to do is make a half-hearted effort of giving out resumes to virtually every company in the Makati and Ortigas area every other week. At that time I was able to chat all night, wake up in the afternoons and finish virtually all the anime series that I liked on TV. Aside from frequent bouts of boredom and the frustration that comes with not having the job you expect to be there when you graduate, as well as the dawning realization that your course is completely worthless unless you specifically enter the media industry, I guess it was a pretty good existence. Sure I didn’t have a pay check and my parents kept on hounding me to get a job, any job, when I prefer to be choosy, but at least I got enough sleep everyday, I was updated on Peyups posts and I can watch all the TV I want. Hmm. Sounds selfish and lame, I know, not to mention shallow and worthless but then again, you only live once. I guess what I am griping about is that my job feels too much like a job. If I could only get a job that requires me to do the stuff I like and I’d still get paid for it then I’d be as happy as a clam. Maybe this article should be retitled: Being Employed Feels Too Much Like a Job.
I remember that story of the fisherman that was sleeping on a riverbank and then somebody asked why he didn’t go make the extra effort to catch fish. “What for?” he asked. “So you could get lots of money” the answer was. “And then what would I do with the money?” he asked again. “Well you can get retired and spend the rest of your days relaxing” the busybody answered again. “Well, that’s what I’m doing right now, sir. Just moving things along…” the fisherman said, before returning to his nap. I totally agree with the fisherman. Personally, money and position don’t mean that much to me. Just as long as I can get to do the stuff I want, the reason why most people want to earn money, I could just go ahead and shortcut to what I really want and not waste the time and effort. Come on, isn’t retirement the main goal of every working person? I just want to feel retired at age 22. Personally I guess I cherish my weekends and holidays too much. Hmm. That must mean something.

Come to think of it, yeah, maybe it isn’t being unemployed that I miss so much but the feeling of being eager to go and do the stuff I like. Which goes to the question what do I really want to do for the rest of my life? Well, for my career life at the least. Probably get a shot at applying what I learned in school, try working for radio or TV, which I did try to get into those times I was looking for a job. There also is no denying that the economic crisis has left us new university graduates with slim chances of getting that dream job… Probably glorifying the state of unemployment would be one way of dealing with that. Just chalk it up to my tendency to romanticize reality, I guess…

I guess I should be happy. After all, I don’t have anything to whine about lately… As I did once tell a friend, I do have a knack for whining. It’s my favorite past time, in fact. What should I reveal first? Hmm. I have decided that this blog will be my homage to my non-existent lovelife. No names, no definite references to anyone, they might see this, you know. Just an exploration of glitchy’s 23 years of one-sided exploits.

23… this is the age my mother was when she gave birth to me! Amazing how I got to be this age and have never even been kissed! OK! I admit it! And I haven’t even been on an honest-to-goodness real date yet… Sad but true. Well, look at it this way, Drew Barrymore didn’t get kissed for good until she was 26. There’s still hope yet. Heehee! 3 years and counting. Actually, since my birthday is on January its 2 ½ years to go… *groan* I’m getting a headache just thinking about it…

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me, already has a year-old baby. Well, that and he’s married and had to drop out of school… Anyways, that isn’t the point! :P What I was ranting about is that I am soo destined to be an old maid! My cousin already got married and I better hope the other one doesn’t get hitched or I’ll be next in line, making it so glaringly obvious that I am without a lovelife! I’m the only one left in our barkada who doesn’t have a boyfriend… the fact that they always have problems isn’t that big a consolation either… *sigh* I hate to admit it but the clock is ticking… and for whom does the alarm bells toll but for me…

Where the hell is HE??! Grrrr!! Am I blind or stupid? Or is he blind and stupid? I’ve been waiting all of my life to fall in love… consciously so for the past 10 years… why didn’t he ever bump into me when I was walking the halls of A.S.? Or sit next to me in one of my G.E. classes? It isn’t reasonable to expect to meet a guy in my college… Guys there are few enough as it is and more likely, gay… well, in my course, anyway…

I’ve had numerous crushes all through my young life and perhaps it’s better to start at the beginning. My first crush was someone in my class, in Kindergarten. Hehe. You read right. He was a cute, chubby little boy who acted like he knew everything and taught me how to hold a long-stemmed glass properly (at that age! I’m beginning to realize how mind-boggling it is!). We graduated, he went off to the main school in Tandang Sora and I went to another co-ed school along Edsa. And that was that. I don’t even remember what he looked like but I still know his full name, and the fact that his lolo and lola are buried in Himlayang Pilipino like mine are. Hehe. The topics kids would discuss.

Anywho, I found my calling in terrorizing my male classmates starting 2nd Grade, I think… If Luis or Chuck sees this, hi to you! :wave: I had fun, didn’t you? >:D Don’t get me wrong, I just did the normal, typical, kidsy pranks stuff… hiding pencils, notebooks, reading journals, name-calling, ear-twisting… yup! There was a lot of love going around when I was in grade school! Good thing our school was so lenient, I would have been sent to the guidance office for half the stuff I did! ( There was this time I found out Luis had a crush on Julia and I was planning on photocopying the notebook but then my teacher had me give it back. Drat.) Speaking of Julia Dereja, she was my partner in crime, my ka-schoolbus and classmate til we finished elementary… I miss my childhood bestfriend. If you gets to read this, my cell phone number is… Uh, in person na lang… I saw her once but then she was hurrying and crossing the street or something… Fate will probably help me contact her again. Or I can write her. Hehe. I did that once, when I saw her at U.P at freshman year. She has changed. Or maybe we both did. If we were to talk again would we find ourselves reverting back to that old friendship? The few times we did bump into each other we were somewhat playing footsy… like that time we ended up as classmates in Nat. Sci. II … so I guess things wouldn’t be the same. But then, hello! We are adults now! (I hope so! J ) Time has made us less barkada-centered as we were in high school, college so there may be hope for us yet! How about a reunion? Here, here! And I do remember I had this recurring crush with… hehe! Definitely not Luis. Guess who? :D As if he will get to read this… fine, fine… the other boy I terrorized. So there. Even my mother knows about it so it isn’t like it’s a grand secret…

I digressed! Arrgh! What am I, 2 years old? :/ My attention span has never helped me, I’m sorry. It’s also one of the reasons why guys never got anywhere with me. Freshman high school there was this cute guy who I had a crush on for 1 quarter of the school year. After that he started noticing me, making goo-goo eyes and even calling me sweetheart! Yuck! The nerve! The minute he started liking me I started avoiding him. It has always been that way. Another instance was with my cousin’s friend and our classmate. Turned out he was also G’s friend. Anyway, I started liking him but after a month finally stopped when he started sitting next to me for no apparent reason and paying more attention than usual. What is wrong with me? I liked him fine when he didn’t notice me. This is what my bestfriend P and I refer to as the “chaser” mentality. When we finally get the guy’s attention we start running the other way. Weird but inexplicably predictable when it comes to me. If I truly wanted to have a boyfriend I could have flirted back then and had any one of them. But then, that isn’t me… My other years of high school were uneventful love-wise since I transferred to an all girls’ school… There was this one time, though.. when I enrolled in Acting Class before senior year… Best summer of my life. This was when I met Seth, one of my more intense crushes. (Hey, liking someone is the best kind of feeling, though it may seem juvenile to some that this is the most my romantic experiences extend to... It’s the highs without any of the lows… just a slow, gradual fading of emotions because of lack of contact… And no, I wasn’t in love with him. I still maintain that I haven’t fallen in love yet. I’ll know it when I finally am) Seth was a playwright, he wrote the play we acted out for the final project and through sheer lack of courage I never really got to know him more, or get him to notice me. I was always so quiet and unresponsive. I get that way when I’m with a guy I like. I know, it’s dumb, but then I couldn’t help it! And I was a 16-year-old Catholic school girl and he was this dreamy, artsy, brooding Atenista… No contest. I was struck dumb every time I saw him and he will always be one of my biggest regrets... He was nice, though a bit arrogant and full of angst, and he was willing to be a friend, I think. Hay. I’ll go jump into the lake now. :egg: Well, I think I will eventually get to meet the guy again. Manila is small and I do so love the theater. Speaking of which, I even dragged P to FEU just to see them stage a play there. Hehehe! All in the name of l’amour! That has got to be one of the more gutsy things I did to get to his direction… though I never did go backstage and I have yet to see him in a play again. This whole Seth episode can turn out to be one long article by itself. ;)

I have more to tell. Ja matta ne.

Looking Back

To my old elementary classmates… Would you still remember me if we met up in the street? Maybe I would, but then I’ve always thought of myself as being more sentimental than most. After graduating from U.P., it seems more improbable that I would be able to get to see my childhood friends again. It’s harder enough catching up with your friends from college and from previous jobs, right? My grade school years will always be a fond memory, filled with the happy optimism of youth. We thought that we could grow up to be anything. Personally, I wanted to be a private detective when I was younger. I had this shoe box with my tiny notebook, pen, a penlight, magnifying glasses… My cases were relatively small, the occasional missing pen, lunch money and petty thievery of rulers, pens and such… There was even a rumor going around of my classmate being a kleptomaniac… but then we never did get to catch her in the act. Besides, she was a sweet, unassuming thing in glasses… we had no concrete evidence. Another dream of mine was to be an investigative journalist, somewhat related to the spy idea, to dig up whatever controversy I can find and make that Pulitzer-worthy news piece… I only got around to publishing one copy care of the dot matrix printer at home and Printshop… I don’t even remember what I wrote. Something mundane probably, like the foundation day or my last Christmas production.

What I enjoyed most was writing scripts, directing and getting to act in them. At the age of 10, I was already getting ready for a career in the spotlight. That was another thing I wanted to be, an actress or a writer. I guess I never got around to doing any of it yet though it isn’t too late to write the great Filipino movie/play. =) I had these grandiose ideas of staging adaptations of Disney movies… I would be the first in suggesting these things to my teachers and they would gladly let me handle the reins. I was even the lead in our play about Andres Bonifacio. Yes, I played Andres, not Gregoria. Hehe! No one else was willing to so I said yes.

Looking back I must admit that I was a gutsy kid. I wonder what happened to the old me? I stuffed her in the background because when I turned into a teenager I was faced with so many changes, insecurities that I know realize are all in my head. As much as I did try to in college to be as abandoned as that little girl, full of hopes and dreams, I realized I can never get her back. She is in the past and I am an adult now. I have to act mature and responsible and I have to face my future head on. Hmm. I could use a few tips from the person I was, though. Maybe I’ll get her back if I meet the past again? I hope I could track my old classmates down. It’s nice to reminisce over the past 10 or so years. I miss them a lot, especially my best friend then and partner in crime, Julia, who did seem to have changed so much that last time we got to talk to each other. Heck, I even miss Luis and Chuck who I terrorized all those years ago (and who got me back every time) with my endless series of pranks through the years... fun stuff like hiding their bags, pencil cases in the window ledge, reading their journals and threatening to expose their secrets… Hehehe! Those years never fail to amuse me. If only things could be as simple and seemingly complicated again. Though some adults may react that it was needlessly cruel of me, well, it was all done in the spirit of fun. Thank God the school was so lenient or I would have been traumatized by the number of times they would have sent me to the guidance councilor.

I miss climbing the sprawling branches of those trees that look like old men with their hanging vines… I miss playing among the slippery, moss-filled rocks that seemed so big then but may really be nothing now. I miss candlelight vigils and going on rallies for peace. They have already put up another building on the fields we used to run through. I can never buy sago, bananacue or mangga with bagoong from the vendors before dashing off to my school bus again. I will never again drink from a Coleman filled with ice cubes and orange juice, or have half of the class drink from my jug, though reluctantly.

It has been years since I last dropped by that school, though it is just along EDSA and a mere jeepney or taxi ride away from UP. Most of us eventually studied in UP, I heard. At the time I had hopes of us meeting somewhere on campus for an impromptu reunion but then that never happened. Now that we’re older, will I ever see you guys again? Wouldn’t it be funny if we did? I could probably write Julia, I just have to look for that old address book of mine… Or I could get her number through someone I know who was her friend in high school. But how can I reach the others? Chuck isn’t from UP, last I heard he was in La Salle. Luis I think I could contact through some of our common friends… Our other classmates like Hiyas, B3 I hope I could eventually contact. Hmmm. Perhaps it may work. Failure would just give me fodder to write more. And if we do meet the first thing I will do is thank all of you. Despite whatever hardships we may have willingly put ourselves through, dear friends and fiends, I couldn’t ask for a better childhood. =)

Testing. Is my blog working? :) It works! Here goes...